I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
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just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
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when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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