my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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