I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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