I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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