Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
