i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
