I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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