Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
