you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
