dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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