I like to think it a success when the cops are called
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
