I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
