The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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