I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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