Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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