the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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