I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
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Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
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Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
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