I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
