I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
