my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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