i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
