just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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