if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
