You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
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She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
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Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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