listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
