i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
