I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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