Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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