the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
