She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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