where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
