Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
