i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
