At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
