I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
