New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Less talking, more tequila
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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