your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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