I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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