I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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