i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
