hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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