Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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