you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
