i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
