im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
