Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
She bit a glass in half.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
