Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
don't judge my taste in strippers
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
