I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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