I molested 6 butterflies tonight
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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