i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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