I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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