You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
