Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
