oh god the rape fog is back!
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
